life as we know it

Sunday, June 19, 2011

beautiful things

This has been a hard month for me. We are working incredibly hard to move forward with the adoption, despite receiving bad news on what seems like a regular basis. I am sad, disappointed, angry and more sad. We haven't shared details of our adoption with many people. You should know that we know her. 

I met the child we are hoping to adopt back in 2009. I saw her again on our most recent trip. I have pictures of her. Pictures from 2009 that show a little toddler, happy and sweet but often unsure. I now have pictures from just four months ago. The toddler is now a little person; skinnier, taller. She has beautiful, long eyelashes and a smile that seriously lights up the room. Sitting in the orphanage one day, she was playing within my line of vision although in another room. I see her get pushed by another child and she goes face-first into one of the metal cribs. Aside from the shrill cry, she didn't move. I ran. I picked her up and comforted her. Every day I know a child I hope will be my daughter one day cries and there is likely nobody there to pick her up and tell her it will be okay. She is growing up in an orphanage and I cannot do anything about it. It sometimes feels like I am a mom, knowing my child is in danger and I am helpless. and hopeless. I pray often she feels a peace over her, that she somehow knows how much we love her. I hope she doesn't feel alone. I hope one day, she'll be sitting in my lap and I can tell her how much we cared from so far away.

Perhaps this process would be easier if we didn't know her. Sometimes, I wish we didn't. But she is so worth it.

This is my reality right now. Working hard, knowing that every hour is hopefully one small step closer. Praying hard, that God will move mountains. He can. I just pray it's His will.

I didn't know I could hurt this badly.

There is a song that has played on the radio almost every time I have been in the car recently. I sing it loud, and I mean the words. Everything feels like dust right now and I'm just praying He makes it beautiful.

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make me new, You are making me new

.Gungor, Beautiful Things.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

alive and.....well?

I'm here, I'm here. It's been awhile, I know. And I haven't even blogged about my birthday. Or our anniversary. Or the fact that Nick has one of his friends of over 15 years here visiting in Colorado. I really want to update, REALLY!

I'm tired, though. And pretty much praying that God change my heart or send me a check for the adoption :) I'm checking the mail incessantly, because I know my God does some impossible things. Praying for what seems like the impossible.

Thanks for hanging in despite the lack of blog action. Hoping to be back in the saddle soon!